Inhaler
by chadders
Summary: Sirius is convinced that all muggles are psychos, all of them.
1. Chapter 1

**Inhaler  
><strong>(for lack of a better title)

Rating: T - one use of bad language and mild creepiness  
>Pairings: mentioned JPLE and R/S but only if you make it so  
>Word count: 1,424<br>Disclaimer: **I own nothing, JKR does.**

Summary: Sirius thinks all muggles are psychos, shame no-one believes him. Actually based upon a daydream I had when walking my dog after greeting one of my elderly neighbours. You should all be worried.

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><p>The Magical Maintenance Department at the Ministry of Magic had decided that today the weather would be clear and bright. The skies a deep blue and the afternoon sun yellow with promises of barbeques and magical water fights for the lucky who were flooing home. The atmosphere in the Ministry of Magic was one of relaxation. Today there hadn't been any urgent calls to scenes of mass murder, no traces of people using unforgivable curses and even the blood thirsty journalists were struggling to find someone to dish dirt upon. All in all, everyone was content.<p>

Two young aurors ambled through the atrium. Both tall and dark haired they appeared to be more carefree than the other wizards and witches bustling about around them and were engaged in a lively conversation.

"No death and despair today then Prongs?" One asked with a smirk firmly in place. As they passed the main desk he threw a pretty receptionist a wink (to which she blushed furiously) and ignored his friend's glare.

"You know full well that I haven't even had chance to leave the office today Padfoot- hey! Don't laugh at me. It's the muggles we have to deal with! I appreciate that if we didn't obliviate them then we'd break the international statute of secrecy, but does there really need to be so much paperwork from it?" The second wizard dragged a hand through his bird's nest of hair then let it rest in his pocket. The other barked a laugh.

"Oh, it's such a hard life." He said in mock sympathy. "I've been telling you that muggles are psycho for years – it's all those TEE VEE waves, messes their heads up." It was Prongs' turn to laugh. An elderly witch turned to stare at him like he'd gone insane.

"I can tell you and Remus have had long, meaningful conversations about this all those nights you've been curled up together in your flat."

"Sod off Potter, I have my reasons for not wanting any of that muggle crap in my house."

"-Yours and Remus' flat you mean?"

Sirius gave a small snort. Despite that Remus was unable to get a job due to his 'furry little problem', Sirius had insisted that he move out of his parent's and join him in his two bedroom flat for free. "Just feed me and we'll get by just fine." He had promised and so far was making good of his word. The only thing they ever argued about was Sirius' hatred of muggle appliances and Remus' need for them. James and Lily had moved in together, into a real house, and Remus had spent quite a few nights with them after a particularly vicious fight. The two wizards arrived at the flooing fireplaces and grabbed a handful of the powder.

"Am I still welcome over tonight? Lily said-"

James grinned hugely.

"Course you are! No doubt Remus will already be there- oh! I hope they've been baking!" Sirius laughed at shook his head at James' obsession with Lily's cooking and Remus' obsession with baking.

"I'll see you later then." They stepped into adjacent fireplaces.

"Later! _Godric's Hollow!_"

Sirius coughed lightly as he walked into his (and Remus') messier than usual flat, he always forgot to close his mouth when flooing, resulting in sometimes choking on soot. James was right, Remus was already with Lily which was all Sirius could discern from the note written in his flatmate's appalling hand. And something about his room. Absentmindedly kicking a butterbeer bottle into the kitchen where Moony was more likely to clear it up, Sirius stepped into Remus' room before letting out an angry sigh. Amongst his many books Remus had a television and one of those computer things that Sirius swore were evil and had forbidden Moony to bring into the flat. Yet he had, and Sirius was furious.

With a loud crack Sirius apparated into the graveyard in Godric's Hollow with the intent of marching to James' and wringing that scrawny werewolf's neck. Rolling up the sleeves of his robe against the summer heat he sped along the streets muttering curses for anyone to hear.

"Excuse me dear, could you perhaps help me for a second?" Sirius was snapped out of his not-so-mental rant by an old lady, half leaning out of her front door. She saw the surprised look on his face and smiled reassuringly.

"Sorry?" He asked, stepping back a little, people didn't usually stop Sirius in the street. They didn't dare. The old lady smiled again, wiping her hands on her lime apron. A television remote was sticking out of one of the pockets. _Muggles. _

"Could you help me love? I need something on the top shelf and I can't quite reach."

Sirius eyed her up. She did seem quite short and what kind of auror was he training to be if he didn't help an old muggle lady in distress? Besides, Sirius was sure that he had overheard Lily telling Rem about an old lady in the neighbourhood she had helped one time, and something called the Big C. Sirius didn't know what the Big C was but apparently you should help people if they have it. A rather toad-like smile spread across her face as he nodded an agreement and joined her at the door. Murdering Remus would just have to wait.

The house smelt horrid. Sirius tried not to cringe as he trod patterns onto the dusty carpet and made his way to the long dark cupboard she was pointing to. One large sitting room led through an archway to an old fashioned kitchen. A large dining table stood, draped in a stained tablecloth with a crocodile skin handbag sat on top. He did not fail to notice the flickering television facing a moth-eaten chair.

"It's just up there, love. See that brown box?" Squinting into the gloom, Sirius could make out the shape of _a box_. He pulled it down and was relieved to find that it was the box she wanted. Now he could get out of here. Just as he ducked out of the cupboard door the old lady started coughing and wheezing, grasping her throat with bulging eyes. It must have been all the dust.

"Are you-? Are you alright?" If Sirius claimed he knew what to do - he'd be lying. The brown box dropped to the floor as Sirius ran over to the woman to help her in some way. Frantically, he jumped through high school memories, trying to see if he could remember anything of the first aid he had learned for Remus' sake. Something about opening the airways? "Sit down and lean your head back." The woman did as she was told, still coughing but there was something too knowing in her eyes that unsettled Sirius. Of course, there were several spells he knew that could clear her airways just fine but he couldn't take the risk, not when he was so close to completing his auror training.

"It's my . . . asthma . . ." She choked out. Sirius frowned, what was asthma? "My bag . . . inhaler . . ." She released a hand from her throat and waved it towards the table. An inhaler . . . Whatever it was, Sirius hoped it would help.

Daring to take his eyes off the choking lady, he darted through the archway and grabbed her bag, he almost dropped it straight away when he realised that it was made from real crocodile skin. The awful smell was a lot stronger over here. He fumbled with the clasp aimlessly, trying not to panic. If this mysterious old lady was going to die he could do the spells, right?

"Damn TV, I wish it would shut up." With a click the bag sprung open and Sirius thrust his hand into the black folds of material.

"HOLY MERLIN!" He yelped, throwing the bag away as if he had been electrocuted. His right hand was covered in warm, sticky blood. Blood that wasn't his own. The coughing had stopped.

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><p>"Sirius!" Lily shrieked as a ghostly looking man appeared in her kitchen with a crack. "Oh Merlin! What happened? Are you ok?" Sirius stared at the bloody hand he had stuck out in front of him and then up at Lily. James and Remus came skidding into the kitchen, the latter looking rather sheepish.<p>

"Shit Padfoot! What happened?" James stepped forward to comfort his rather shell shocked friend. Lily gave him an admonishing look for his language.

"Muggles! Bloody muggles, absolute psychos – all of them!"

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><p><strong>Review? <strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Hi, I've written this part two especially for those who reviewed to tell me how little sense the fic made as a one shot - let's be honest, it didn't! Hope this clears things up! This is unbeta-d by the way, so any and all errors are my own.

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><p>Remus was glad, almost, that as soon as Sirius was relatively settled in Prongs' (or rather Lily's) kitchen, he was sent back to their flat to: "get that bloody muggle TV out of my flat Remus J Lupin or, so help me, your life will become one hell of a miserable place!". At least this way he didn't have to take the brunt of Sirius' lunatic ramblings about psychotic muggles, handbags and televisions. Maybe later, when he had calmed down considerably, and Lily surely wouldn't let him floo until he was sane again, then he could explain the whole story to Remus. Not that it would stop him wanting to have a TV, Sirius just doesn't understand how boring it is to be trapped at home all day with nothing to do! It's not like the Ministry will give him a job either.<p>

With a loud sigh, Remus boxed up his computer too. A dull roar of flames signified that Sirius was back.

"Moony?"

"Yesss?" He hissed out the S in slight annoyance, he knew what Sirius was about to ask.

"Have you got rid of those . . . things yet?" The voice sounded much closer and Remus glanced up to see the paler-than-usual face of Sirius' poking round the door. Remus didn't reply, just gestured at the two large boxes on his bed. Sirius bit his lip.

"Are you angry with me?"

"You seemed angry enough with me." Remus kept his voice cold, after all, if he played his cards right, he might be able to keep the electronics. Sirius invited himself in and flopped on to Remus' bed, raising a hand to brush his hair out of his eyes but then realising which hand it was and lowering it in disgust.

"Well aren't you going to ask what happened?"

"Aren't you going to tell me?"

"Moooooony! Don't be moody, I'm sorry ok! But-"

"-But you have to have things your own way, I get it, fine, whatever, tell me."

Sirius spent a few seconds reading Remus' face, checking for signs that the werewolf really _was_ angry with him. He knew he wasn't.

"Well, I was on my way to James and Lily's because James invited me over after work and as I went past this woman's house . . . She was so creepy Remus, really creepy." Sirius made a strange gesture with his hands to exaggerate the creepiness and Remus hid a smile.

"You're only saying that in retrospect." This fact was duly pointed out, James and Sirius usually twisted facts after the event.

"Whatever! Well, she asked me to come in because she needed something from a shelf and I figured that I should really go even though I really wanted to get to Lily's-"

"-Because you wanted to kill me?"

"No! Well, I was a little pissed off . . ." Remus arched an eyebrow. "Fine! Yes, I wanted to wring your little werewolf neck because you hadn't done as you'd been told!" Sirius blushed at the childishness of his words. Remus just rolled his eyes, he was used to the melodrama after three years sharing a flat with the animagus and the seven years at Hogwarts.

"So you went into this woman's house?"

"Yes! Her house stunk and I didn't realise why until . . . ugh . . ." Padfoot cringed hugely and Remus sat down on the bed next to him. He didn't _want _to appear comforting, but then again, Sirius always got his way one way or another.

"Do it chronologically?"

"Yeah." If it was possible, Sirius had gotten paler. "I mean, she must have been a psycho muggle – house stunk, furniture was falling to bits and she had this huge, old TV blasting out." Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Go on, roll 'em. And see how you feel at the end of my story." So he did. "Well she took me into this cupboard because she needed to get a box but it was almost pitch black in there so I just grabbed any random box, you know?" Sirius was fairly certain that Remus didn't 'know', after all, he'd never been preyed upon by some weird muggle, but he was glad that he nodded anyway.

"Then as I came out of the cupboard she started all this coughing and wheezing and her eyes were bulging and crap." Remus was amused to find tat Sirius did another bodily demonstration for this. 2she said it was something beginning with an A but I didn't-"

"Asthma? Sounds like she had Asthma."

"Yeah! And she started flailing towards her bag and talking about an inhaler. Well I didn't know what one of those was either."

"I do." Remus cut in knowledgably. Sirius felt like letting out a laugh but it would sound too forced, hysterical – and he wasn't sure he'd be able to stop.

"Well of course you do, swot."

"Shut up!" Remus still blushed as he would have done in their school days.

"But I went over to the table and got her handbag, and, ugh, it was real crocodile! What kind of sane person has real crocodile skin? Don't roll your eyes! But she was still coughing and I thought she was going to die and how bad would that look on my record? I haven't even qualified – Don't roll your eyes! So I opened up the bag and just shoved my hand in and oh Merlin Remus . . ." Sirius lay back, his usually perfect skin tinged green.

"Take it easy Padfoot! Vomit on my bed and you're in big trouble!"

"There was a look of sick shit in that bag. Don't you **dare **roll your eyes. There was blood, lots of blood, and," Sirius physically shivered, "A foot. AN EFFING FOOT!"

"What?" Remus blanched. Now Sirius wasn't the only one looking a whiter shade of pale.

"Who in their right _effing _mind has an _effing _foot in their _effing _handbag?"

"Wait . . . What? What? There was a foot in her bag?"

"Yes." Sirius rose back up so he was eye level with Remus, grey on amber and both rather shocked and repulse. The former had always been a brilliant and cunning liar but Remus couldn't deny that he was telling the truth this time . . . and there'd been all that blood on his hand back in the Potters' kitchen.

"And then the coughing stopped."

". . . I don't think I understand, you mean she wasn't having an asthma attack?"

"A what?"

"She wasn't struggling to breathe anymore?" Sirius nodded and felt a large wriggle in his stomach. "I don't get it."

"She . . ." There were more frantic hand gestures but no words came. "She- _effing _psycho, that's what she is!"

"Well did you call the Police? Or . . . ?" Sirius' loud snort cut him off.

"Did I balls! I apparated straight out of there!"

Remus bit back his first reaction, which was to laugh at his friend's behaviour when faced with a fight or flight situation, but he resisted and pulled out his old 'Prefect' face.

"Padfoot!" His voice was a battle between concern and admonishment. "That's highly illegal, what if she says something." Another snort came from the still rather traumatised animagus.

"Oh sure! The Police are going to take any kind of notice about a 'man that disappeared', when she has an _effing _foot in her _effing _bag! Besides! You know I always end up arguing with people in authority-!"

"-Sirius."

"-_Effing _psycho!"

"-Sirius!"

"_Effing- _What?"

Remus took a long, deep breath and encouraged Sirius to do the same.

"Sirius."

"Yes?"

"Would you like me to make some dinner?"

This startled Sirius, he was expecting some long winded lecture about the risks of apparating in front of Muggles, maybe more questions about what actually happened because there's no way that Moony, the logical, Prefectly, Sirius knew and loved would just accept the strange happenings of his afternoon with a Muggle psychopath. Not that she definitely was a psychopath, maybe she did have a perfectly good reason to saw off whoever's _leg _that was and then lure Sirius in to find it. Maybe she was a sexual predator. Plenty of times Sirius has noticed how sexy he is. It had been James' favourite joke in fifth year, "sometimes he has trouble resisting himself!". Or maybe it was just that TV. After all, Sirius would never condone reading but those things surely drove people to insanity.

"Dinner?"

Dinner. After the afternoon Sirius had had could he even contemplate the thought of dinner? She could have easily killed him, that muggle woman, if he hadn't of been on guard and rather magical, that's something that could put anyone off their dinner. With a shake of his too-long hair, Sirius erupted into laughter. Who was he trying to kid? He always wanted dinner.

"Please." Sirius hopped up off the bed, smiling youthfully again. "Hey, Moony, make double portions, it's not everyday that you escape from a muggle psycho – with a foot in her handbag! I suppose I should feel quite special! Wait 'til Pete hears, he won't sleep for a week!"

"Special's one word for you." The mumbled reply came, Remus taking his time to mentally adjust to the whiplash that often hits during, or just after, one of Sirius' violent mood changes.

"Hah! Special though I may be, no muggle can put this in their handbag!"

"Was that really necessary Sirius?" Remus objected as Sirius karate-kicked his door open and leapt out. While everyone else would be dramatically shaken by the experience and would perhaps need counselling, Sirius had just decided that he was some kind of God and got over it. He might need the counselling anyway though.

"I still think muggles are psychos!"

Yes, a few weeks with a Healer would just about do. Remus rolled his eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes!"

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><p><strong>AN: **Did that make any more sense? Haha, if not just review or message me and I'll explain anything and everything :)


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